My mother joined forces with the earth a month and a half ago. But when I close my eyes, I can feel her all around me. Her spirit is everywhere. We’ll remain connected; she’ll always be part of me. Our bond was and will always be spiritual. I sense her love with every breath I take.
My mom was not a demanding woman. She wasn’t big on material things, but she valued affection. I wasn’t always the perfect daughter. There were things that mom didn’t quite like about me, like my hair and my terrible church attendance record. She thought I was a little crazy and rebellious. She cursed America for the ‘libètinaj’ living there instilled in me. I knew I would not change certain things about myself to please my mother. In being true to myself, I was able to be honest and respectful to her. We lived in two different countries, and I was in love with my freedom. Even so, I made sure that I was the most loving rebel my mother ever knew.
At 22, I still cuddled with her. She would remind me that there wasn’t a way back into her stomach. I always tried to find ways to be closer to her; I slept in her arms whenever we were in the same house.
My mom and I had a special love affair. She was a single mom, so I called her my “Fanm dous.” It was never a big amount, but I made sure to send money for her to buy chocolate on Valentine’s Day. We had our little traditions and I know she valued every one of them.
Today, when people find out that she’s gone, they’re quick to say: “I’m sorry.” When her name comes up, I am quick to say: “My mother passed, but it’s alright, you don’t have to be sorry . . .”
Quite frankly, I don’t do too well with pity. Though I am aware that the “I’m sorry” comes from a place of care, I am sincerely okay with my mom being gone.
We do what we can with the life we are given. My mother did the best she could when she journeyed through this earth. In my eyes, she fulfilled her purpose; she left because it was her time to go. I would have loved to have my mom here a little longer, but that wasn’t written in her book of life. I’m all right with that.
We all deal with grief differently, but I figured that acceptance of one’s situation is a big step towards freedom. Though it was a painful process, I quickly accepted my mother’s death; I knew she would want me to be happy and live freely.
I never questioned the universe. I didn’t ask God why this was happening to me. I don’t know where my strength came from, but I’m sure that it’s something which Mother cultivated in me.
What alleviated the pain that came from this tragic moment are my memories: Last year, we harvested some beautiful ones together. I remember my mother’s 50th Birthday quite vividly. When I close my eyes, I hear her voice; I hear her laughter.
I see the sparkle in her eyes as she watched me cook her birthday dinner. I remember being a little nervous—so nervous that I practiced the three-course meal in my Florida home a few days before I boarded the plane to meet her in Canada. I wanted everything to be perfect.
On August 29, 2012, my mother had the perfect 50th Birthday. She was happy to be around her granddaughters. And it was the first time in 14 years that she got to spend her birthday with both of her daughters.
Things didn’t stop there.
My sister and I joined mom in Haiti in December. On New Year’s Eve, we gathered in her backyard for a late night dinner, story-telling, and laughter.
On January 1st, 2013, I woke up to the smell of mom’s soup Joumou. I was so happy that I grabbed my camera and started to take pictures of her. “Pa pran foto’m, tifi,” she said. Being the defiant child that I am, I did not put the camera away. I had no idea that it was the last soup joumou my mother would make.
On that same day, we took a trip to Kaliko Beach. I have memories of her in the water—in a state of complete relaxation.
Now that she’s physically gone from this earth, I am happy to be able to say that I have no regrets. I am not left wondering, ‘what if…?” Mwen pa nan si’m te konnen. Si’m te konnen li t’ap mouri, m ta di’l m renmen’l. Si’m te konnen mwen te padone’l, si’m te konnen mwen te vizite’l ou byen si’m te konnen mwen te konn mase pye’l lè li te fatige.
I don’t have any regrets, because I did all of those things. I showered her with love. I forgave her whenever the need presented itself. We spent 22 years loving and treating each other the best we could. I loved my mother selflessly. Before she passed, I couldn’t have imagined living without her. I thought I would go crazy if I were to lose her. How would I live? How would I breathe? Who would be my inspiration?
Well, I am making it because of the moment and memories we shared. Those things can never be taken from me. The way she made me feel or the way I made her feel are everlasting.
As you are reading this, I hope you decide to live in the moment, to cherish your mom everyday, not just when it’s a holiday. It is truly the little things and the small moments that sustain our every day existence. I hope you dance with your mother, sing to her, don’t be afraid to kiss and hold her hand while you’re in public.
I don’t know what makes your mother happy, but you should make it your duty to find out. Surprise her with trips to the spa, clean the kitchen after she cooks, wash her hair, and massage her feet. Take her around the world if you can afford to, talk to her, remember to seek her advice. The majority of the time, momma really knows best. Renmen manman’w, pa jis nan tèt ou, asire’w ke li konnen ke’w renmen’l. Montre’l sa.
But be sure to love her unconditionally. Allow your love to be bigger than everything else. I loved my mother like there was no tomorrow and now that she’s gone, I can live a happy life knowing that I did what I could to make her smile.
My mom was a Queen. She never walked with her head down, even on her worst day. She was honest but never rude. I can live with myself as a human being because I always try to emulate her. She passed down some of her characteristics to me and those are the things that make me lovable and tolerable in today’s society. When someone says that they love my character, what they’re really doing is complimenting my mother.
I understand today is a special day, but every day you spend with your mom is incredible. Don’t allow your love to have any boundaries. To those of us, whose mothers are presently one with the earth, tap into your inner self and realize that she exists within you.
